LIVE LIKE A LOTUS
5 stages of transformation after a loss
The passing of a loved one, the end of a significant relationship, letting go of a hard-earned career. Are you struggling to move forward after a big loss?
You are perhaps trying to stay busy to avoid pain. You may be seeking comfort in eating, drinking, shopping or dating. You might be suppressing disturbing emotions such as sadness and anxiety.
How is your coping strategy working out?
Are you still feeling lifeless, stuck or confused, regardless of all your efforts? Are you longing for more joy, peace, clarity and harmony?
Staying busy or giving yourself guilty pleasures may give you a temporary escape, but it will not help you transition from your past life to a new one.
As a life transition coach, I worked with many people who had tried the escape strategy and ended up with a longer and harder transition.
I experienced the same in my twenties. I did everything to avoid pain and anxiety: making myself busy, emotional eating, drinking, shopping, dating, withdrawing, denial and more. I tell you: this did not work! I created more misery and sank deeper into the hole.
Instead of trying the escape strategy, you can gracefully move through a transition like a lotus.
It grows in the mud, rises above the water and blooms into the light. In the same way, you can grow in the density of emotions, rise above uncertainty and bloom into the person you want to be.
Here are five stages of transformation you will naturally follow if you don’t take the escape strategy:
Stage 1: Fallen flower
As a once-magnificent lotus flower eventually sheds its petals, the life you knew has gone. Joy and happiness that were once yours have left you. A big part of yourself has died. The loss of your old life evokes deep sadness and fear for the unknown.
Your new path after loss starts with conscious mourning.
Instead of going with the escape strategy, allow yourself to fully experience your uncomfortable emotions such as sadness, anger and regret.
Because acknowledging emotion is hard work and makes you feel vulnerable, you’ll need to create a strong support network that will catch you when you fall. Share your struggle with your family and friends and ask for their support. Connect with others who are also grieving.
If your emotions feel too painful or you notice stress-related physical symptoms, such as headache, digestive disorder, rapid weight gain or loss, and sleep problems, seek professional help from a grief therapist or counsellor.
Mourning with full awareness is the starting point of your transformational journey.
Stage 2: Drifting with the current
Once a lotus lets go of petals, seeds fall into the water and drift with the current until they sink into the mud. In the same way, you may feel like you are floating with uncertainty and confusion, only to sink into heavy emotions such as despair, fear and anger.
You are not sure who you are anymore. Your old self has gone, but a sign for a new one is nowhere to be seen. You are constantly drawn to the past of regret and pain, and the future of uncertainty and fear. Nothing that could take you to the next stage is happening yet.
You might try hard to resist this state of disorder, but it is a necessary part of your transformational process. In many ancient cultures, those who had reached this stage entered the wilderness or secured a time of solitude as a rite of passage.
Being separated from everyday life created a precious opportunity for them to observe their minds and listen to their inner voices. They valued the time and space between the death of an old self and the birth of a new one, and fully immersed themselves in the fertile state.
Unfortunately, our modern culture doesn’t embrace the ritual of conscious solitude during a transition. It encourages us to move through this uncomfortable stage as soon as possible.
However, each stage has its own time. You will enter the next stage only when the seed of your new self is ready to sprout.
Please trust the process Mother Nature created for you. Spend ample time alone in silence, away from the distraction of your daily life. Observe and journal what is going on in your mind and process your thoughts with people who don’t judge or give you advice.
Feel your emotions fully and express them in appropriate ways. The way to move through this challenging stage faster is to be there with full awareness.
Stage 3: Sprouting
After a period of dormancy, the lotus seed cracks open, and a new sprout appears. In the same way, you will feel an internal shift and a pleasant sense of a new beginning. A realization about your life or self will come to you, often from an unexpected place.
You will still occasionally fall back into the spiral of confusion and self-doubt, but emerge out of it with more clarity and confidence. Nothing changes drastically overnight. But you feel you are finally moving forward by advancing three steps and going back two. You now begin to see new possibilities and potentials for your life. You start having discoveries. You glimpse a ray of light in the darkness and find more ease in your life.
It is the time to play with big ideas and exciting new visions. Relocate to a tropical island? Pursue your childhood dream? Find a new partner? Nothing is off-limits here. If you hear your inner critic’s screeching voice (“There is no way you can make it happen! Don’t be ridiculous! Grow up!”), acknowledge it, say “Thank you for sharing your opinion,” and walk away.
You don’t need to know how to make your dream come true at this stage. It is OK to change your mind the next day. Just have fun with your wild ideas.
Read books and articles about your new fascination. Watch YouTube programs on exciting subjects. You are really in the flow if you notice a desire to go deeper into the topic of your interest (for instance, joining a Spanish class to prepare for your relocation to a Caribbean island). Enjoy the refreshing feeling of a new beginning.
Stage 4: Growing a stalk
The lotus shoot becomes a stalk and keeps growing tall in the water. It is tough and fibrous and is firmly attached to the root. In the same way, you are growing stronger and wiser. It is the time to nurture and nourish your whole being. Feed your body with wholesome homemade dishes and have a good rest. Read inspiring books and watch uplifting films for your mind. Warm your heart by connecting with your friends and family.
Support your growth by listening to the voice of a new emerging self: “Who am I becoming? Do the actions that I’m taking or planning align with the values and principles of the ‘new ME’?”
Clear your inner and outer spaces by letting go of what doesn’t suit your emerging new self. Discard the clothes that no longer express who you are. Donate the books that are not interesting to you anymore. Develop a plan to turn your vision into reality and create a strategy to carry it out. It is time to take action. Research the topic, place, career or hobby that excites you and connect with knowledgeable people in the area.
You are still swaying with the water of uncertainty, but you know that you are securely rooted in the personal power you have cultivated throughout the previous stages of transformation.
Stage 5: Blooming
Finally, the lotus emerges out of the water. It spreads its leaves above the surface, and a tight bud opens up to full bloom. You are blooming into a new beginning, too!. Enjoy the reward of your hard work. Your transformation might be reflected in something tangible (a new career, relationship, home, place to live or lifestyle), or your new qualities (more loving, compassionate, fulfilling, appreciative and so on).
It’s time to celebrate your achievements. Let your heart dance with joy!
Transition after a big loss is HARD. But it is an opportunity to birth a new YOU. Life is inviting you to let go of your past life and create a new life filled with love, joy and peace. Say YES to the invitation. Keep the image of a beautiful lotus in your heart and begin following its transformation cycle today!
This article was first published on The Mindful Word and is licensed under CC BY-SA 3.0. Bold, italic, and font size changes were added to enhance the text.
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